Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus