Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus