Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Admin smashed it 😂
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.