Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar