Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.