Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Friday
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
You deplete me
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?