Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

🤷‍♀️

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

#dnd #ttrpg

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work