Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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when someone rings the doorbell
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Catering service
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.