Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
m’lady
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.