@Parentpains

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.

You Might Also Like

@elizabeth_fels

Romeo possum: [kissing] You’re so hot

Juliet possum: [plays dead]

Romeo possum: Not cool, babe

@RidiculousSheri

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

@buttgh0st

“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably

@JohnLyonTweets

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

@usermcuserface

Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave
M: I can’t believe they went off the registry.
J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.

@Fickle_Filly

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

@TheWoodenslurpy

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

@EZSherlock

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

@aaronrand

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.