Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
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My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written