Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.

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Romeo possum: [kissing] You’re so hot

Juliet possum: [plays dead]

Romeo possum: Not cool, babe


“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”


“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably


[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.


Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave
M: I can’t believe they went off the registry.
J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.


The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us


Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.


Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group


Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.