Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
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Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door