Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
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HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?