Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Happy Friday

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)