Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
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I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine![]()
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I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Inside you there are two wolves
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Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
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