Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I have two kinds of followers
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes