Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
mood
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.