Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
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FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer