Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I hope Alan is OK
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.