Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

long lost

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*