Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
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My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH