Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
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Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.