Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
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INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Britain be like
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Not😆🤣
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.