Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
awkward
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.