Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
#damn
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Scream sneezers need love too.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap