Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon