Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Nice try, NASA

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.