Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Safety first
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.