Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]