Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Y’all know who you are.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.