@mommy_cusses

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

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@chuuew

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

@ilyaschaeffer

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

@ADDiane

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

@E_lok44

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

@CodyJP9412

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

@CMHorrocks

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

@hannacantrell

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?