“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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RSVP: ??yes ??no ??yes now but then no later on
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Walls are just sober floors.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?