Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
…..pretty much.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
The cashier just checked me out.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday