Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.