Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.