Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
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Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Hotels are back
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA