Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.