Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

oh you like architecture? name three walls

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

Awwwww shit.

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation