Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
OH. COME. ON.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience