Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
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When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Me when my alarm goes off
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime