Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
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Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible