Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”