Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
You Might Also Like
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Steam Forums
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.