Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
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mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
But that’s none of my business
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?