Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

I used the label maker

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Nice try, poison.

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

what it’s like dating me:

happy valentine’s day to me

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.