Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

😭😭😭