Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

water it, i dare you

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.