Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?