Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Life is a suicide mission.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”