Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
*launders Kohls cash*
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.