Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
You Might Also Like
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
pain
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”