Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?