Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.