Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
How to walk around a museum
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.