Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
#SuperBowl
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
