Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

tourist season

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.