Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

Are you ok, human???

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.