Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

when you order from DoorDastardly

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

What?!?

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!