@SoNotBrendan
@Mr_Kapowski
[kissing]
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt
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@Mr_Kapowski
@thestlouisan
Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.
@funnyortruth
Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”
@DvuslyMarvelous
All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work
@KWalps
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
@MissBamantha
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
@hunz74
The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.
@anotherbecky429
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
@sammontgomery
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
@SlipperySecret
I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.