Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.

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If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢


i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke


People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.

But those letters are not silent.

They’re just waiting for their turn.


So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.


The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.


Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.


Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…


Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”


when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there