@SoNotBrendan

Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.

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@SteveSuckington

[at adoption agency]

“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

“I just love kids”

@nigelgodwin

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

@LoveNLunchmeat

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

@kumailn

If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”

@a_olivia4212

A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it

@_troyjohnson

5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”

Me: Probably through my credit card.

5: what?

Me: what?

@Elizasoul80

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

@MarkAgee

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

@okay_andi

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth