@SoNotBrendan
@nerdjpg
It’s 2007. You’re working on a PowerPoint for school. It’s about ancient Egypt. You select the Papyrus font.
“Yes, Perfect”
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@nerdjpg
@CyrusOMerican
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
@soulindivision2
I just want to meet my Doppelganger so I can kidnap them to experiment with hairstyles.
@zachreinert03
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
@fro_vo
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
@UnFitz
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
@CrockettForReal
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
@DareDarilyn
Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.
@pilau
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
@FuckabillyRex
I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.