@SoNotBrendan
@DonnaBW4
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
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@DonnaBW4
@BlindChow
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
@LMHPhotog
People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.
But those letters are not silent.
They’re just waiting for their turn.
@Parkerlawyer
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
@BipolarBearDick
Why is it always spiders? Why can’t I eat chicken wings in my sleep?
@wildethingy
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
@withanewname
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
@bfrosty04
Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…
@Gooooats
Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”
@warmyellowlight
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there