Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.

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Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt


Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.


Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”


All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work


Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.


Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.


The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.


Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.


Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.


I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.