@SoNotBrendan

Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.

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@DonnaBW4

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

@BlindChow

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

@LMHPhotog

People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.

But those letters are not silent.

They’re just waiting for their turn.

@Parkerlawyer

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@withanewname

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

@bfrosty04

Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…

@Gooooats

Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”

@warmyellowlight

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there