@SoNotBrendan

Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.

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@Mr_Kapowski

[kissing]

Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt

@thestlouisan

Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.

@funnyortruth

Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”

@DvuslyMarvelous

All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work

@KWalps

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

@MissBamantha

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

@hunz74

The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.

@anotherbecky429

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

@sammontgomery

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

@SlipperySecret

I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.