Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.