Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
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I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes