Me: We should go to the gym more often.
Him: I hate it there. It’s like a meat market. And I’m the expired meat.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I was just shushed.