Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

Me when I try to be useful

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

#Caturday

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

okay run it by me one more time

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT