Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

figuring out my emotional availability:

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who