Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.