Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?