Apple has the “Tomorrow is a federal holiday. Do you want to turn your morning alarm off?” feature, and it is 10/10.
What I need now is the “You turned off your recurring morning alarm for today’s federal holiday. Do you want to turn it back on?” prompt.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
This is a sub tweet
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
