Apple has the “Tomorrow is a federal holiday. Do you want to turn your morning alarm off?” feature, and it is 10/10.
What I need now is the “You turned off your recurring morning alarm for today’s federal holiday. Do you want to turn it back on?” prompt.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
No one:
London landlords:
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Bike for sale
