Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

Quadruple digit IQ

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.