Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Thank you corporation very cool

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.