Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done