Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back