Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.