Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised