Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.