Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

Hmmmmm

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train