Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
who wore it better?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.